Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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