dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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