ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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