I wish my penis had an off switch
my sisters under your porch take her home
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
