My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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