Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
