the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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