the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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