why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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