My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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