I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
