i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
