I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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