What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
