I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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