Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
