So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
