I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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