I got chris browned last night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
