i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
