Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
