I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You ruined the universe
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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