Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My vagina is very pro this idea
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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