guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I party with great urgency now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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