I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
