My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
