Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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