I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
