yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
