So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
