Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
