She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
