I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
