he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
