I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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