This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
