Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
