I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
