can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
