currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
