This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
