I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
