i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
