I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
