I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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