Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
