I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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