u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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