1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
