I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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