I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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