ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
this hospital has no fireball
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
