Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
